‘Trust’ has been a word that keeps coming up for me again and again. And I’m finally diving in. It’s time to trust is all possible ways and I am inviting you to take the journey with me today. Todays story is a vulnerable one. Not cancer related, but nonetheless I hope it will bring connection and a space for you to get curious, dive in and see where in your life you could trust a little more.
I used to be a massive control freak and perfectionist. At the time I didn’t know I was doing this to feel safe, because I didn’t trust that everything would be ok if I would let go. I didn’t trust myself, my inner voice, the people around me or even life itself. For the past 2 years I’ve been uncovering layer after layer of this. There is a lot I could go into, but for now let’s focus on one of my biggest blind spots, because if I do something.. I go all in.
For a very long time I was insecure about my body, no matter what shape it was in. I ended up with obsessive behaviour for a time around food/training/living healthy. In a way it was control, fear and an incredible amount of punishment for not ‘begin good enough’ (whatever that may mean). When I started my healing journey and dived into self development work I was able to let go of the obsessive behaviour thankfully, but in turn I didn’t do much at all, other than what I ‘felt I needed’.
Sounds like a great plan, right? Going with ‘the flow’. Except I was often listening to my emotions, my ego, what I ‘felt like doing’ and I kind of just ‘let things happen’. I went the opposite way and wasn’t training as much as I loved to, was still emotionally eating (however a lot less) and still dancing between wanting the best for my health but not falling back into obsessive behaviour. There were a million reasons why I wasn’t in the body I wanted to be. Things kept ‘coming up’ why I wouldn’t be training, eating or living the way I wanted to.
Then a week ago I had a MASSIVE aha-moment. Awareness like lightening kicked in and I realised: I was telling myself the story of ‘if I commit to training, eating and living to my fullest potential then I will end up being miserable again’. Taking charge of my training and food had in my mind become this place of negativity, self hate, failure and darkness. Crazy right? This was based on past experiences, but NOT based on the person I am today.
I wasn’t trusting that I had worked very hard, changed a hell of a lot and am a complete different person then I was back then. I wasn’t trusting that I now know the difference between my ego and soul, trusting the support system I have around me, trusting that I will hold up to my word, be consistent and show up for myself, trusting that I will keep going and improving no matter how uncomfortable it gets. And trusting that I love myself much, much more than I dislike myself.
So I’ve committed to a 6 week program, where I am diving into my fear with full trust. The way to freedom has been right in front of me, but I was too afraid to look. I am leaning in, building trust in the woman I am today and am becoming. Things will get messy and be hard, because that’s life. I am, for the first time, loving the stumbles and am excited when they happen as they teach me the most. It’s about learning to trust my voice, that I know my stuff, that I can trust my gut, heart and body to guide me while I shape myself towards the highest expression of myself. Trusting that I am my word, I do what I say I will do and am consistently in aligned action. When I don’t want to do things, I create the best possible context to do them anyway, because I committed and am choosing to do this as part of my healing journey.
But this is not only about building trust in myself. It’s about learning to trust and lean on my support system, ask for help, accountability and show up as my vulnerable self when needed. I am building trust in life, that I am guided, guarded and protected by higher powers and that the universe is always working FOR me. But also (and this is a big one for me), building trust with you, my clients and anyone joining in on the MyHeartMoves journey. I am in the works of life just as much as you are and will keep showing up, no matter what. My whole heart is in MyHeartMoves, and this is not a story about ‘wanting to look a certain way’. This is about being the fullest and highest expression of myself, so that I can hold the space for you to do the same. We are all human AF and life is scary sometimes, but when we trust.. things get easier, we are able to let go of some tension and you all of the sudden feel more alive.