I have been polishing. Wanting to have it all together, fixed, in order, flawless. Getting wrapped in stories of who and how I should be. Distracted by whatever got in the way.
And something wasn't connecting. I could feel something was off. Because things were hard and I know they don't need to be.
But I wasn't listening.
More and more challenges came. I got slowed down time and time again and I wasn't listening, until even my laptop gave up today. That made it clear:
I HAD to connect and clear up the noise.
I HAD to say FCK being perfect and instead be fully me, at all risk.
I HAD to go to my deepest pain, WHY I am doing all this.
I HAD to drop all the masks and show up.
Because there is no other way.
WHY I do all this, why I coach, why I will give EVERYTHING I have to support and create an impact in the cancer aftercare.. is because I wasn't able to do this for my dad.
In the year between the..
'all clear, you just need to recover from treatments'
'the cancer is everywhere, you have a few weeks, maybe 2 months to live..'
I was living in another country. And I saw him go through so much pain, sleepless nights, worry and struggle from a distance.
He needed better aftercare and support. He needed to be understood, actually work on healing on ALL levels and not be sent home all the time with 'you're just having a bad recovery'. Because if he had had that, then maybe he would still have passed away a year later, but at least it would have been a much gentler year, one he so deserved. A time where he didn't feel lonely, where he was able to work through things with someone outside of his family and friends. Somewhere he could grow and let go, allow it all and full permission to just BE.
It was what it was and I truly believe all is perfect, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today, being the woman I am now.
That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't break as soon as I really tap into the memories.
What it DOES mean, is that this time has put me more in touch with life, myself, spirituality and everything and everyone around me more than ever before. It means that I will ALWAYS be fuelled to make a difference and serve others. It has allowed me to grow beyond what I ever thought possible. What I am creating is just as much my own healing as it will heal many, many others.
An edited version of me, my life and story wouldn't work. Because it wouldn't honor my dad and every other person experiencing or having experienced cancer.
And that's just something I cannot allow to happen.
Launching the MyHeartMoves MyLife program has brought up so much healing for me and everyone that it is touching, even the ones that just briefly hear about it. Hearts are being moved, connections are being made and the program hasn't even started yet.. Check out the magic for yourself here and if it moves you.. please send it on to anyone that pops into your mind, this might be the support they or someone they know has been waiting for, possibly without even speaking it out loud.